I have never
by mugglemin
Summary: The Hogwarts staff are trying to weed out eachother's secrets by playing a drinking game...


I am a theif...I stole them from a greater being, named J.K Rowling.

I have never…

Midnight on a blustery Friday night in the staff room. The Hogwarts professors were seated around the table, a full shot glass in front of each of them and a half empty bottle of fire whiskey in the centre. Poppy Pomfrey and Madam Hooch clinked their glasses together and knocked back the spirit in one go.

"Your turn Severus!" Poppy croaked.

Severus Snape eyed the rest of his colleagues with a smirk. The were starting simple and innocently, but he knew that before long they would all be pissed and ready to confess anything. Why push them to it now? He could wait.

"I have never…" he thought for a moment, as if his declaration was a tedious effort "screamed at the Headmaster" he finished with an exasperated wave of the hand.

Minerva McGonagall shot straight out of her seat and downed her fire whisky, banging the glass on the table with a smirk and a raised eyebrow.

"Too easy!" She yelled "Everyone knows about that."

The headmaster cleared his throat.

"Alright, then, Professor McGonagall," he said, his eyes twinkling mischievously "It's my go. I have never…transfigured a colleague into a niffler!"

There was a gasp and McGonagall turned slightly pink, but stood up and knocked back her drink. The others stared at the transfiguration teacher, astonished.

"Oooh! Who was it Minerva?" Professor Sprout demanded.

"Well it certainly wasn't me!" Snape said in a dignified voice.

"Nor me!" Squeaked Flitwick.

"It was me." Dumbledore said quietly.

A roar went up around the table and there was much screaming and banging of knees against the wood. Professor McGonagall blushed furiously and tried to conceal a smile.

"You are going to tell us why, Minerva, aren't you?" cried Madam Hooch wiping tears from her eyes.

They all looked expectantly at McGonagall and she blushed again.

"Well," she began "I lost an earring in the headmaster's study one day…" an attempt at a subtle wink and a nudge between Pomefry and Sprout was spoiled when Sprout fell off her chair. Mcgonagall gave them a death stare. "…and I couldn't find it. The headmaster was in a somewhat…boisterous mood that day and kept rebounding my accio spells. So I transfigured him into a niffler, and he found it right away!"

Her story was greeted with another burst of laughter and much whooping. Dumbledore shrugged his shoulders, resignedly.

"Splendid!" squeaked Flitwick. "That's one to remember for the next time Mr Longbottom vanishes my lucky charm bracelet!. Who's next"

"Me!" Professor Sprout yelled excitedly. "I have never…grown an illegal substance for…recreational purposes."

She flushed as she brought her own glass to her lips and drank. To her surprise, Poppy joined her, as did Madam Hooch.

"For medicinal purposes, of course!" Madam Pomfrey declared with a cheeky smile.

Madam Hooch snorted into her glass, and McGonagall gave her a disapproving glare.

"Oh sod off, Min! It's legal where I went to college!"

McGonagall sniffed and Dumbledore chuckled. It was Madam Hooch's turn. She looked across at McGonagall with a sly smile and said, as she raised her own glass again:

"I have never…flown round the castle naked on my broom." and she downed her shot.

Minerva McGonagall emitted something like a cross between a squawk and a hiccup. She sat for a moment and seemed to be fighting an internal battle with herself. Clearly her Gryffindor side won as she slowly reached out her hand and took her drink.

"You'll pay for that Hooch." She said quietly before putting the glass to her lips.

A shocked silence once again ensued and all stared at McGonagall. The headmaster looked rather impressed. Snape smirked at the thought of his first triumph, and leaning forward across the table asked:

"Under what circumstances did you do this, Professor?"

McGonagall nearly choked with embarrassment.

"It was a long time ago." She whispered "When I was head girl. Hooch dared me. You know I can't resist a…challenge."

Dumbledore looked slightly disappointed, but that was nothing compared to the look on Snape's face. Student antics didn't interest him. Only teacher misdemeanours were fair game.

Madam Hooch cleared her throat.

"So you're not going to mention last new years eve, when we decided to repeat the dare then?"

McGonagall's head fell in her hands as the others roared with laughter and clapped her on the back.

"Ah Minerva!" Dumbledore sighed quietly so that only she could hear "You've just made me a very happy man."

She turned bright scarlet, which only made them all laugh even more. What was worse, Snape was smiling at her across the table with a glint in his eye. She would never live that one down.

After what seemed like an age, they all quietened down and continued with the game.

"It's your go Min!" said Hooch. "Do your worst."

McGonagall smiled deviously at her friend who returned the gaze with as much courage as she could muster.

"Uh oh." Hooch whispered to herself.

"Well," Said McGonagall slowly "I have never…been arrested for bonking in a public place!"

Hooch screamed and hid her head under her robes, but then thought better of it and took up her glass, drank, and quickly refilled it several times.

McGonagall howled with laughter while the others cheered.

"Where _were_ you?" Flitwick asked excitedly.

Hooch blushed, for what he thought was probably the first time in her life and mumbled something incomprehensible.

"nm-usss"

"What did she say?!"

McGonagall smiled triumphantly.

"Shall I tell them?" She asked. Hooch glared at her, but nodded. Everyone turned to her eagerly.

"Well?!" They all cried

She giggled. "On the Knight bus!"

Yet another roar ripped through the staff room and Professor Sprout fell out of her chair for the second time.

"Sprouty, you're only supposed to drink when you've done something!"

It took them all a while to calm down and for McGonagall to stop crying, but eventually they moved on. The following 'I have nevers…' passed jovially but without the element of scandal that had graced the earlier confessions. Until it came to Poppy Pomfrey, that was…

Poppy had had a plan ready from early on in the game. Since hearing the story about the earring and the niffler she wanted to know the exact nature of the relationship between her friend the deputy headmistress and Albus Dumbledore. Just how exactly did Minerva lose an earring in his study? She braced herself and took a quick nip of whiskey to steady her nerves.

"Here we go" she said to herself as she sat up in her chair. "Right then. I have never…" she took a gulp "had a bonk in the headmaster's office.

The room went quiet, apart from a few snickers and a snort from Snape, who couldn't believe his luck. Everyone stared at Dumbledore and McGonagall expectantly. They were all hoping for the same effect as Poppy. Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling madly, but more from panic than from amusement. McGonagall was rigid and glaring at Poppy, who quailed slightly. At least a minute passed in silence before Dumbledore finally cleared his throat and turned to his deputy. She moved to face him and gave him a searching look. They both shrugged and turned back to the others, their glasses untouched.

The other staff members seemed to shrink in size as they relaxed into their disappointment.

"Right!" yelled Flitwick finally "Loo break!"

They all hurriedly pushed back their chairs and made their way to the bathrooms. Madam Pomfrey looked forlorn.

"I was so sure…" she said aloud without realising.

"Oh don't worry, Poppy" McGonagall said brightly as she followed behind her friend. "You just phrased the question wrong."

"What do you mean Minerva?" Poppy asked, surprised to find she hadn't been garrotted from behind.

"Well," McGonagall replied with a dreamy smile "We usually use _my_ office…"


End file.
